The How’s, Why’s and What-Fors…
Description and Differences
Domestic Discipline varies in a few significant ways from D/s or BDSM. Years of analysis and an overwhelming need to understand what works for me and what has an unwanted effect (not in a good way!), has led to these conclusions. While everyone has their own needs and expectations, what is here is what I have come to know as the “Holy Grail” of environment and space creation that is the basis for anything that follows.
Goals and Expectations
We all have different goals and expectations for engaging in a Domestic Discipline relationship. It took, literally, decades, before I understood that all the accoutrements (spanking, add-ons, daily structure/chores, etc) could be distilled down to a simple emotion: Humility.
Hopefully, those reading this are endeavoring a DD lifestyle for all the positive reasons: Unmatched intimacy, trust building and improvement of habits and behaviors that prove detrimental to their growth. Some, however, engage in this lifestyle as a “magic pill” that frees them of their responsibility for their own failings. Please do a serious and thorough self-inventory (of yourself AND whomever you’re entrusting your discipline to) before putting your well-being into the hands of another.
Along that vein, and without going into detail, let’s just say I’ve lived a damned charmed life. Blessed with looks, talent, intellect and the ability to do whatever I want or attempt with some practice, there are VERY few circumstances where I am NOT supremely confident in myself.
Sounds great, right?
No.
It is incredibly lonely at the top and the nature of being ultra-capable is that I miss out on the lessons and emotional/psychological machinations that enable lesser mortals to learn the kind of lessons that build a core character and grow.
In other words, I cannot reach my fullest potential because my ability to overcome any challenge prevents being humbled enough by circumstances to realize (when in circumstances with others) when that is a great detriment. For example, and I use this example, a lot. I put it this way, I’m the Queen outside of these four walls to the rest of the world, but if I cannot be subordinate to my King within my own four walls, I’m not only missing out on half the needed experiences to be whole, but can also endanger what I’m trying to accomplish if I speak disrespectfully or steamroll over someone whose assistance I need outside to further my aims.
In business, as in life, you get one chance to make a good impression. Aside from being made to feel humble and disciplined being the only thing that arouses and excites me in any way – it is critical to be able to recall that feeling in professional and personal situations when a specific outcome is desired. “
As I’ve said to my husband/Daddy on too many occasions to count: “Before you can rise you must first learn to kneel”. Obviously, I’m not speaking literally – as that would make it NOT work for me. I’ve done my time on submissive drive – behaving in a certain way and acquiescing to the wants and needs of others – and that is the difference with DD.
DD is about the brat.
It’s a conscious shift to the priority of the brat’s behavior that creates the humility-inducing headspace that the brat optimally operates from – the resulting outcome and change, for both parties, will take care of itself.
Simplest, is this:
D/s = The Dom saying things like. ‘I WANT you to finish your chores now.”
In DD, the Disciplinarian would say, “YOU’RE going to finish your chores now because if you don’t YOU’RE going to be <insert punishment here> …
D/s = “I’m so disappointed in your behavior” (My response is “good for you!” – “Why should I care?” NOT very helpful in creating a feeling of being humbled, scolded and punished!)
The DD way would be for the Disciplinarian would say, “You should be ashamed of yourself and your behavior” – (The ONLY response to that, internally, is to FEEL chastised.)
Thus, instantly making the brat responsible for the situation she finds herself in and NOT just obeying “because” or at the whim of whomever she placed her well-being in the hands of.
In my experience, this only creates resentment and a sense of incomplete emptiness - despite the physical reminders that can sometimes linger for days ... and days. IF, you're lucky.
Which way do you think has more of a lasting impact on the brat, thus empowers the Disciplinarian in turn?
Make sense?
Okay, so I’m cursed to have a background in psychology.
But, it remains true, nonetheless.
In D/s, the Dom’s desires are the priority … in DD, the brat’s “education”, is.
Now, here is where it gets REALLY interesting ….
There are several types of submissives, but the *brat submissive* isn’t so because she’s just a smart-ass masochist who desires the physical pain of punishment OR who is so stupid you have to punish her over and over and over because she’ll never learn.
A *brat submissive* is the most capable, most independent and most intellectual of all. To my (superior 😉) thinking, also the most desired kind by worthy, exceptional men.
She MUST challenge those she places in authority over her for two reasons:
1) It’s hard enough to surrender any of herself willingly – she’s worked her ass off to build herself and her life so whomever it is MUST be smarter than her OR AT LEAST MAKE HER THINK HE IS (ie. Catch her antics and address and eliminate all her misbehaviors (even if it takes years – and depending on how strong-willed she is, it may while she just shakes her head in disbelief that she DIDN’T get away with that!) and crafty ways to get out of the punishments for them; as well as know what to do, say and how to be to make her feel - the one way that the world, other people or God himself could not make her feel: HUMBLED and PUNISHED;
and, 2) He has to be worth it. It is desperately hard for her to release all the self-preservation methods she’s built over the years, to make herself so vulnerable in every way. I’m sorry to say that the person she entrusts with her … everything … has to be committed and consistent to her needs in this way or the result can be catastrophic.
Now, here’s the catch (isn’t there always one!): The best disciplinarians also deeply care for their brats. Well, they have to in order to spend their lives making their world as it should be for them – and they’re the only ones who can.
But they also have to be strong enough to not *feel sorry for them* (or themselves) for having to institute the strictest environment possible and the most effective, humiliating and increasing in severity punishments.
Sure, it could be “fun” to endeavor the roles on the weekends or “safe” to relinquish control for a few hours – but it is infinitely harder and takes inordinately longer to attain growth or to enjoy the sublime benefits of being fortunate enough to live those ideals.
And, believe me I’m not knocking you if that is all you desire or can employ. It just can never work for me as I have to be married to the person and love them in what I call “secular” ways – in general, traditional relationship ways (ie. Enjoy his company, he makes me laugh, he’s generous and good inside, has morals and is dependable and wants to build a home and family with me … and I RESPECT him as a person first) before I could feel confident enough to entrust them with my … everything.
Which is why I’ve never been able to attempt this kind of life before who I’m married to now.
But, aside from loving him as my partner and as a man, I have to also be IN love with him, be in awe of and worship him - look up to him, firguratively and literally - if I am to trust him enough to give myself to him in that way.
And it’s pretty easy for me to do those things if he makes me feel the one way no one else could, right?).
Yes.
Right.
To say that I VALUE your ability to point out my failings, remedy them (sometimes, okay often, repeatedly) and still love me when I’m a blubbering, tantruming, emotional wreck and not give up on me. I think, would be the greatest compliment I could give. It's certainly not easy to do - especially not for a lifetime.
Now, for me, as I’ve alluded to in past posts here, there is yet another catch (This is me, of course there would be more than one!) – I need to be made to WORK for that love.
I have to work to earn it. I have no interest or desire (and nothing will kill that “uh-oh” feeling I have to breathe every day faster, than ANY kind of “tenderness” or “kindness” or “help”). But as I am so fond of saying, all the days of the year can be for that "earning" ~ Valentine's, Our anniversary, Mother's Day, Christmas, birthdays, etc. are made especially more poignant and enjoyable for having earned the break and (potential) pampering on those days.
Like I said, it’s only possible if the foundational love is there. If I wanted an uncaring brute THAT would have been easy.
But I’ve come to realize that brats are like predators – once they smell blood in the water (any possible caving to the desire to “care” or “relent” or “let us get away with”) – we devour.
So, in summary, the expectation I have is that of an unwavering authoritarian. He understands that order and growth can only come via stern discipline and consistent application of same.
Ideally, if not already inherent, he would find a way to enjoy the challenge of manipulating my existence as well as the gift of the undying adoration and loyalty that would earn him.
Not least? That he, himself, would find a strength, purpose and new desires of his own throughout the endeavor.
www.Domestic-Discipline.net does a great job of addressing SOME of these things – but it’s surface and more alluded to in practice, than in an academic way. For those of you that DON’T explore it as analytically! Which is cool, too!
😊
My “goal” here, I guess, is to put out there what I know and have learned over the course of many, many, many years of trial and error so that even one of you don’t have to endeavor the same.
It’s no fun to struggle with what is, likely, the most personal and important component of your life. I know. But there is always a solution and a tweak and the revelations WILL come. As long as you don’t quit.
(Never quit!).
~xo
